Archive for the 'Lists' Category

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Did you Know?

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

“Go.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES … (READ THEM OUT LOUD)

1) That’s not right……………Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ..Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP………………..Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man…………………Dum Gai

5) Small Horse………………..Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?…….Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table…Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift…Chin Tu Fat

9) It’s very dark in here………Wai So Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet..Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone…….No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week…Wai YuKum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight………..Lei Ying Lo

14) He’s cleaning his automobile…Wa Shing Ka

15) Great……………………..Fu Kin Su Pah

Alcohol Consumption — FDA Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

* Oops!

* Has anyone seen my watch?

* That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

* Well this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

* Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

* Come back with that! Bad Dog!

* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

* Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie

* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

* Damn, there go the lights again…

* Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.

* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

* I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.

* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

* Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?

* What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!

* What do you mean, he’s not insured?

* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

* Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

* What do you mean “You want a divorce”!

* I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

* Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”

* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?

* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.

* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of ‘Transquips’

by Richard Lederer

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language
spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made
during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a
few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman’s two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America’s keepers of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake,
tell them your first name!
*****************************************************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
****************************************************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*****************************************************************
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
*****************************************************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*****************************************************************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*****************************************************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
*****************************************************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*****************************************************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
*****************************************************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*****************************************************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
*****************************************************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*****************************************************************
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
*****************************************************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his
words.
*****************************************************************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can
identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
*****************************************************************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*****************************************************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information from your minds, if you have any.
*****************************************************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*****************************************************************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
*****************************************************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
*******************************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*****************************************************************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
*******************************
Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
*******************************
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that
sonofabitch- and she did!
*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty
drunk.
*******************************
Q: …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased,objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the
whole ordeal?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
************************************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

Things to think about

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they
know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
“It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say,
“That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE……
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you