Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

Science Quotes from Kids

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then
stop.

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

How not to rob a bank

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

Pick The Right Bank:
You don’t want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don’t try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.

Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They’re tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.

Don’t Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh… on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East
Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.

Don’t Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic
until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

Great truths about life that children and adults have learned

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let the air
out of their tires.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps.
It’s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Criminal Hall of Shame

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people–many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women–ooops, “women and men”–we
present the highest possible honor: entry into the “Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame.”

Following are their accounts …

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a “handicap” was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house–where she realized that the camel’s name was “Otto.”

Arizona: A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed “911″ for help…

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Points to Ponder

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

And You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day…

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.

~

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on “The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges” when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.

~

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

~

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.

~

Depressed since he couldn’t find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

~

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

~

A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.

~

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

~

Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail’s pace from opposite directions but both near the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the widows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren’t scratched.

~

In a case of “one thing leading to another”, seven men, aged 18-27 years, received jail sentences of 3-4 years each in Kingston-On-Thames, England in 1979, after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

~

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife’s incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled.

~

A few years ago in California there was a raging brush fire. Once the fire was extinguished, the firefighters began the process of clean-up. In the middle of where the fire had been burning, they found a dead man wearing a scuba tank and wet suit. At first the firefighters were baffled as to why a man would be out in the middle of the countryside wearing full scuba gear. Upon further examination, it was determined that the man died from the impact with the ground and not the fire. As best anyone can determine, this man was scuba diving off the coast of California and was accidentally picked up by one of the firefighting aircraft when it was refilling its water tanks offshore.

April Fool’s Day Atrocities: The Top 10 Worst April Fool’s Day Hoaxes Ever

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

#1: Hijinks of Hussein and Son
Saddam Hussein and his sons may have been ruthless, power-hungry dictators, but that didn’t stop them from trying to give the people of Iraq a good chuckle every April Fool’s Day. On April 1, 1998 the Babil newspaper, owned by Hussein’s son Uday, informed its readers that President Clinton had decided to lift sanctions against Iraq, only to admit later that it was just joking. One can imagine the knee-slapping guffaws when readers realized how they’d been taken for a ride. The laughs continued in 1999 when Uday mischeviously announced that the monthly food rations would be supplemented to include bananas, Pepsi, and chocolate. Again, just a joke. At this point, the Husseins appear to have run out of material, because in 2000 they recycled the sanction-lifting gag, and in 2001 trotted out the ration-supplement crowd-pleaser one more time. The merciless quality with which the same joke was repeated year after year had an almost surreal quality to it. In fact, it almost makes one sympathize with Saudi Arabia’s chief cleric, the Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul Aziz bin Abdullah Al al-Sheikh, who in 2001 decreed that the celebration of April Fool’s Day should be banned altogether. It’s not known if the Sheikh had his neighbor’s hijinks in mind when he issued the ban.

#2: Releasing The Prisoners
Imagine reading that your husband or brother who has been held in a squalid Romanian prison for years is finally going to be released. You make the long journey to the prison and stand outside the prison gates, waiting desperately for the moment you’ll be reunited with your loved one, only to hear… ‘April Fools! No one’s being released!’ This experience happened to sixty people in April 2000 who read in the Opinia newspaper that their loved ones were going to be released from the Baia Mare prison in Romania. They made the long journey to the prison, only to learn that the paper had played an April Fool’s joke on them. The Opinia later published an apology.

#3: The Phony Deadline
Glenn Howlett’s colleagues at London city hall thought they had dreamed up a great gag. They sent him a memo informing him that the really big report he was working on was going to be due early, in just two weeks. The tip-off was that the memo was dated April 1st. Ha Ha. Except Howlett didn’t realize it was a joke. He received the memo while on vacation and immediately cut his vacation short and phoned the office to tell everyone to start getting busy. But as he contemplated the new deadline he worked himself up into an increasing state of panic, until soon he began to experience heart palpitations. Finally he collapsed from the stress and had to take leave from work. As he was recovering he realized it just wasn’t worth risking his health to finish the report, so he filed for early retirement. At which point someone told him the early deadline was just a joke. He responded by suing for damages. As a consequence of his lawsuit, city hall banned employees from pulling any more pranks.

#4: The Dead Dog
The film National Lampoon’s Vacation includes a scene in which Chevy Chase ties a dog to the bumper of his car, then forgets the dog is there and drives away. Inspired by this scene, Paul Goobie tied a dead chihuahua to the bumper of his co-worker’s car. His co-worker, Kevin Meloy, got in the car and drove off, unaware that the chihuahua was there. Obviously passing motorists were horrified. But what made the situation even worse was that Meloy was deaf, so he couldn’t hear the other motorists frantically honking at him. Happily he drove on for miles until finally someone was able to get his attention. Police charged Goobie with unlawful disposal of a dead animal.

#5: A Fake Hanging
Randy Wood’s marriage was over, but apparently he was still a little bitter about the divorce. So he decided to play a prank on his ex-wife. He called her up and asked her to come over, telling her that he had something to show her. Obligingly she drove over, only to find him hanging by a noose from a tree in his front yard. Terrifed, she immediately dialed 911. Emergency services, including firefighters, policemen, and paramedics, soon showed up. But when they went to cut Wood down they discovered he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t even hurt. He had strung himself up as a prank to scare his ex-wife, using a lineman’s harness similar to those used by utility crews. The authorities warned that he would face a fine of up to $1,000 and a year in jail for his prank.

#6: A Fake Robbery
Sitra Walker was an employee at a clothing store in Columbus, Ohio. She had only been working there for two weeks, but already she felt that she knew the manager well enough to joke around with him. So on April 1, 2003 she called him up at his home and told him that armed men were robbing the store. The manager immediately called the police, who promptly dispatched four cruisers. Minutes later Walker phoned the manager again and screamed ‘April Fools’. Too late. When the police arrived moments later they weren’t amused and charged her with inducing a panic. Walker’s manager fired her.

#7: Revival of the Warsaw Pact
In 1996 the Russian news agency Itar-Tass reported that the Russian parliament was debating whether to revive the Warsaw Pact. The startling report was immediately repeated by news agencies in the Czech Republic and Bulgaria, causing widespread panic. A few hours later Itar-Tass admitted that it had just been joking, and apologized for any confusion it might have caused.

#8: Fake Death Report
In 1986 Israel Radio broadcast that Nabih Berri, leader of the Shi’ite Amal movement, had been assassinated. The news caused an immediate flare-up of tensions in the region. However, Israeli officials quickly denounced the report as a hoax. The false report was traced back to an army intelligence officer who had planted the news item in the broadcasts of the Israeli Army’s intelligence monitoring unit, from which it had been picked up by Israel Radio. Apparently the officer had meant it as an April Fool’s joke (because hey, nothing says funny like stirring up tension in the Middle-East). Israel’s Defence Minister, Yitzhak Rabin, announced that the unnamed officer would be court-martialed. “Berri Berri funny,” one foreign correspondent wryly commented.
In the category of ‘really bad fake death reports’ one must also note the time in 1998 when Boston DJ’s Opie and Anthony announced that the mayor of Boston, Tom Menino, had died in a car crash. Because City Hall couldn’t immediately reach the Mayor to confirm that he was actually alive, many believed the report, including members of the Mayor’s family. The next day Opie and Anthony were suspended without pay.

#9: Fake Disaster Warnings
In 1999 DJs at Oregon radio station KSJJ announced that the Ochoco dam had burst, threatening downstream areas with massive flooding. What made the warning believable was that hundreds of houses in these areas had been damaged the previous year when the Ochoco Creek had flooded, so terrified homeowners who heard the news quickly prepared to flee. Later the DJs informed their listeners that it was all a joke. They had just been ‘having a little fun’. The homeowners were not amused.
In the same genre of non-funny disaster warnings, there’s also WNOR’s 1992 April 1st report in which it warned that a large build-up of methane gas was about to cause a fiery explosion at Mount Trashmore, a landfill near Virginia Beach. Residents were warned to evacuate the area, causing the local 911 to be flooded with calls. The DJs responsible for the prank were suspended without pay for two weeks.

#10: The Iraqi Ambassador’s Final Joke
On April 1, 2003, as thousands of American-led coalition troops stormed across Iraq, the Iraqi ambassador to Russia, Abbas Khalaf Kunfuth, held a press conference in Moscow. Many were expecting him to announce that Iraq conceded defeat. Instead Kunfuth chose this moment to hold a gag press conference. Holding up a piece of paper that he identified as a news flash from Reuters, he read aloud from it: “The Americans have accidentally fired a nuclear missile into British forces, killing seven.” Immediately the room full of reporters went silent with shock. Then Kunfuth grinned and shouted ‘April Fools!’ Only a few days after this unexpected moment of levity, the Iraqi government completely collapsed.

George Carlin Strikes Again

Monday, November 7th, 2005

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Political Science Simplified…

Monday, November 7th, 2005

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you
to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk
down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO
on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one
cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of
beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 300mph.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation
per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any
creature’ s private parts. You get a $40 million grant
from the US government to find alternatives to milk
production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s
Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the better looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one
better accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tells you which
one you think is the better-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Kid’s History

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

The following excerpts are actual answers given on History tests and in
Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages. They were
collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

  • Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
    wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
    is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
    bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
    Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but
    the commandos made it.
  • Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a
    actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was
    sort of busy too.
  • The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t
    have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
  • Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
    advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is
    apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  • In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
    threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now.
  • Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
    of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
    Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
  • Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
    reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French still have problems.
  • Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When
    she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was
    the end of the fighting for a long while.
  • It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
    removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation
    of blood.
  • Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
    and started smoking.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was
    very dangerous to all his men.
  • The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
    born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
    and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
    hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
  • Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy.
    Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of
    that that I’m sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
  • Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
    Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
    Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
  • Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
    Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
    cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
    stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  • Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died
    in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
    Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
  • On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
    in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
    assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
    Booth’s career.
  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
    of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
    his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
    composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian,
    and half English. He was very large.
  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
    wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in
    the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
    and later died for this.
  • The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
    invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don’t know why.
  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was
    very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really
    true. He sort of said God’s days were not just 24 hours but without watches
    who knew anyhow? I don’t get it.
  • Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did.
    Other women have become scientists since her but they didn’t get to find
    radios because they were already taken.
  • Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
    movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had
    to have a job, I guess .

Kids’ Love Theories

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

All the Questions Were Asked of Children Between Ages 5 and 10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

  • Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you
    can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy,8)
  • Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife. (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

  • You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big
    ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim,
    10)
  • Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if
    anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a
    handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

  • It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to
    clean up after them. (Lynette, 9)
  • It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t
    need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

  • No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how
    you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan,9)
  • I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
    rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

  • Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)
  • If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to
    do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

  • If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it
    doesn’t hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)
  • It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything
    and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, 7)
  • Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
    (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OF TEN HOLD HANDS

They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good
money for them. (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

  • I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is
    on television. (Anita, 6)
  • Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been
    trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.
    (Bobby, 8)
  • I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.
    (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons
of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

  • Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. (Del, 6)
  • Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
    but attention ain’t the same thing as love. (Alonzo,9)
  • One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes
    to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

  • Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in
    love. (John, 9)
  • "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.
    Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)
  • It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like
    to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.
    (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at
least once a day. (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

  • You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
    you. (Doug, 7)
  • It might help to watch soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you….That’s why
I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

  • Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7)
  • Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out
    the trash. (Randy, 8)

Signs Seen At Various Foreign Establishments

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
  • In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are
    not person to do such thing is please not to read notice. (sic)
  • In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
  • In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
    During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
  • In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit
    up.
  • In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
    floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number
    of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
  • In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
    between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
  • In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
    job of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
    composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors
    in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
  • At an Acapulco hotel: The management has personally passed the water
    served here.
  • On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
    for.
  • On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet
    soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
    beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
  • In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
    efficient self-service.
  • Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  • Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
  • In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
    will execute customers in strict rotation.
  • Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of
    Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed
    over the past two years.
  • In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
    since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
  • In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
    porter.
  • A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
    passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
  • In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
    having a good time.
  • In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
    tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
    own ass?
  • In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their
    own skin.
  • On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
    throughout its useful life.
  • Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop, Drive Sideways.
  • In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today – no ice cream.
  • In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
    dressed as a man.
  • At a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your pants here for best results.
  • On a toy doll’s package in Spain: Laughs while you throw up.
  • In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
  • In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
    all directions.
  • On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
    USSR, you are welcome to it.
  • In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children
    in the bar.
  • At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
    suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they
    are best in the long run.
  • From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
    control yourself.
  • From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
    heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
    still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
  • Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here
    speeching American.

Lost in Translation

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
  • The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?"
    campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the
    Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
  • Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.:
    "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
  • Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out
    to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
  • When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather,"
    it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
  • Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
    "Suffer from diarrhea."
  • Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, "It takes a tough man to make a
    tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually
    stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
  • Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French
    chic…but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
  •  A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling
    iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too
    many people had use for the manure stick.
  •  When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror
    they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin’ good" came out as "eat your
    fingers off"
  •  When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they
    were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f – which in
    German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
  •  Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment – Use
    Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos – Use Quink"…which also means,
    "Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink."
  •  When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they
    translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The
    slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the
    Grave."
  •  In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into
    the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
  •  Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to
    get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded
    roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been
    printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
    "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around
    things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters,
    Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more
    appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
  •  Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
    only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The
    English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term
    for a non-heterosexual.
  •  The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va"
    means "it doesn’t go" in Spanish.
  •  Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the
    company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford
    pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel"
    which means horse.
  •  When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
    packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later they
    found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of
    what’s inside since most people can’t read.
  •  In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John"
    products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big
    breasts."