- Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like the night before, and yo9u haven’t been anywhere.
- Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You finally reach the top of the ladder,and you find it leaning against
the wrong wall. - You join a health club and don’t go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm
- You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
- A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
- Your favourite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."
- You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
- Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
- You regret all those temptations you resisted.
- You’re 17 around the neck and 44 around the waist, and 105 around the golf
course. - You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying
a second coat. - Dialing long distance wears you out.
- You are startled the first time someone’s calls you Old-timer.
- You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
- You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.
- The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
- You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
- Your back goes out more often than you do.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl
walk by. - The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
- You get all your exercise being a pallbearer for your friends who
exercise. - You’ve got too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet. - You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Archive for the 'Lists' Category
Page 2 of 6
- As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.
- Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.
- It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.
- You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?
- Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.
- You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
- The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.
- An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.
- Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution.
- Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is………………………………….not much.
- Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow
your nose. - Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.
- Be kind to your dentist – even a dentist has fillings.
- Two wrongs can make a riot.
- Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
- I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
- Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
- Sign on a clothing store – Come inside and have a fit.
- Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.
- Statisticians say "mean" things.
- A princess gets her education one knight at a time.
- The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
- Don’t put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.
- What did one bee say to her neighbor? Mind your own bee’s nest.
- I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have
paid for me. - "The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon?" "Oh, the horse
will draw that." - I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me
‘son.’ I said, ‘Why do you call me ‘son’? You’re not my father.’ He said, ‘I
brought you up, didn’t I?’ - I spent a lot of my money on booze, babes and fast cars….The rest, I
just squandered. - When a guy says that he likes a woman’s sense of humor, he ISN’T talking
about her jokes. He’s talking about appreciating his! - We’re a fastidious couple… I’m fast…. She’s tedious.
- If you want a pretty nurse, you’ve got to be patient.
- How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the
other. - The more things change, the more they stay insane.
- Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it’s enough
to scareosol to death. - Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!
- I just need enough to tide me over until I need more!
- Wrestlers don’t like to be put on hold.
- My check bounced because of insignificant funds.
- Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it
said he got it for a song. - I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how
I lost my mind. - A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge!
- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
- "I needn’t have been cloned," said Dolly sheepishly, "my family used to do
exactly what I did anyway !" - It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians.
He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It
seems his telegram read, " How about a Czech mate?"
History
When George Washington was elected President, there was a King in France, a Tsarina in Russia, an Emperor in China, and a Shogun in Japan.
A family of six died in Oregon during WWII as a result of a Japanese balloon bomb.
Roulette, an invention by the mathematician Blaise Pascal, was a by-product of his experiments with perpetual motion.
The dome on Monticello conceals a billiards room (billiards were illegal in Virginia).
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past royalty. This custom has evolved into the modern military salute.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles turn right as they ascend. This was so that (right-handed) knights defending the castle could more easily combat invading foes who were climbing the stairs.
Dashing horses kicking up mud (among other things), splashing the passengers riding behind them, led to the invention of the dashboard, a term which survives today.
Firehouses have circular stairways because the engines were at a time pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor, and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.
Great Britain was the first county to issue postage stamps, so theirs are the only stamps in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin. (And the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher).
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned TV Channel 1 to mobile services, but did not re-number the other channel assignments.
Sputnik was launched on October 4, 1957, the same day that “Leave it to Beaver” debuted.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The US purchased Alaska from Russia for approximately 2 cents an acre.
Taft was the last President with facial hair.
The day after October 4, 1582 was October 15, 1582.
Robert E. Lee is the only person to date to have graduated from West Point military academy without a single demerit.
Names
The names of the three monkeys are Mizaru (see no evil), Kikazaru (hear no evil), and Iwazaru (speak no evil).
The ammunition belts in WWII aircraft were 27 feet long, reminiscent of the expression “the whole nine yards”.
University of Florida football team, the Gators, first tested Gatorade.
The Greek word “gymnasium” means “to exercise naked”. In Ancient Greece, gymnasts wore no clothes.
Dismas and Gestas were the two thieves crucified with Jesus.
The term “dodger” (from the Brooklyn Dodgers, now known as the Los Angeles Dodgers) was a shortened form of “trolley dodgers,” which described Brooklynites for their ability to avoid being hit by trolley cars.
The ghosts in Pac-Man are named Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.
Mr. Snuffleupagas’ first name was Alyoisus.
Thomas Crapper is credited with inventing the modern-day toilet, and Otto Titsling with inventing the brassiere. Major General Joseph Hooker allegedly paid prostitutes to accompany his soldiers in the Civil War.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of owls is called a parliament.
A barmaid reportedly decorated her establishment with the tail feathers of cocks. One day a patron asked for “one of those cock tails.” She served him a drink with a feather in it.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The product’s full name is WD-40 Water Displacer, which was perfected on the fortieth attempt.
Tribeca stands for TRIangle BElow CAnal Street.
The two lions in front of the New York Public Library are currently named Patience and Fortitude.
The letter “J” does not yet appear anywhere within the periodic table of the elements.
Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street share the same names as Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in “Its A Wonderful Life”.
Words
The word “pound” is abbreviated “lb.” from the Latin “libra pondo”, meaning weight or balance, where the constellation got its name.
The word “checkmate” comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” meaning “the king is dead”.
“Alma mater” means “bountiful mother”.
“Admiral” is derived from the Arabic phrase “amir al bahr,” which means “lord of the sea”.
“Stewardesses”, “reverberated”, and “lollipop” are the longest words that can be typed using only one hand on a keyboard. “Skepticisms” is the longest word that alternates hands, while the longest word that can be typed using the top row only is “typewriter”.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable”.
“Bookkeeper” and “bookkeeping” are the only words in the English language with three consecutive double letters.
The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” (a lung disease) is the longest English word according to the Oxford English Dictionary.
“Beelzebub”, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for “Lord of the Flies”.
Geography
Mapmaking is older than writing.
At latitude 60 degrees south you can sail the entire way around the world.
If the earth were the size of a bowling ball, it would be just as smooth; the mountains on raised relief globes are greatly exaggerated.
Hawaii’s Mauna Kea is the largest mountain on Earth: although partially submerged, it is 4,000 feet taller than Mount Everest.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.
Alaska is the most northern, western and eastern US state.
Mozambique has an AK-47 assault rifle on its flag.
Pluto takes 248 Earth years to orbit the Sun. For 20 of those years, it is closer to the Sun than Neptune.
The Amazon River enters the Atlantic with so much volume that fresh water exists more than a hundred miles from the mouth of the river.
The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
Biology
The human brain stops growing at age 18, and is 80% water. Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain. The storage capacity of the human brain is about 4 terabytes (4,000 gigabytes).
A peanut is a legume, not nut.
Honey is the only food that cannot spoil.
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A blue whale gains approximately 200 pounds a day for the first seven months of its life.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
An elephant can be pregnant for two years.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
All polar bears are left-handed.
The human body has 70,000 miles of blood vessels.
Fun Facts
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Congo is the world leader in cobalt mining, producing two-thirds of the world’s cobalt.
You expend more calories eating and digesting celery than there are in the celery itself.
Minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit equals minus 40 degrees Celsius.
Michael Jordan shaves his head on Tuesdays and Fridays.
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
Powdered non-dairy creamer is flammable (trust me on this).
Raindrops are not tear-drop shaped. They are rounded at the top and flat on the bottom.
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have written a book in all 10 Dewey-decimal categories.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to strengthen the structure of the bottle and to trap the sediments in the wine.
The tip of a whip moves so fast that it breaks the sound barrier. The “crack” of a whip is actually a tiny sonic boom.
Mr. (Fred) Rogers was an ordained minister.
In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts (AKA the suicide King) appears to be sticking his sword through his head.
The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight.
Starting with the number one, you would have to count to one thousand to use the letter “A”.
The Statue of Liberty’s tablet is two feet thick.
If done perfectly, any Rubik’s Cube combination can be solved in 17 turns.
> You find yourself interrupting computer store salesmen to correct something they say.
> You’ve named your computer.
> You have your local computer store on speed dial.
> You can’t carry on a conversation without talking about computers.
> Co-workers have to e-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building.
> You’ve ever found “stray” diskettes when doing laundry.
> Your computer has it’s own phone line – but your teenager doesn’t.
> You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window).
> You know more URLs than street addresses.
> Your pet has a web page.
> You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
> The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough ones.
> You have more than one copy of the same version of software on your machine.
> You have ever chatted with someone while talking to them on the phone.
> You are surprised that there are other real foods besides pizza.
> You have ever sent E-mail to someone sitting next to you.
> You have ever had a dream involving computers.
> You have ever modified an .ini file.
> You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth.
> You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
> You have ever e-mailed yourself.
> You get up at 3:00AM to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
> You’ve entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get e-mail saying “Forget it, Mike you are not going to win, just go buy the modem”.
> You know what the USR X2 contest is.
You know its going to be a bad day ahead when…
> You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don’t have a waterbed.
> You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
> You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
> Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
> You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any.
> You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
> Your twin sister or brother forgot your birthday.
> You wake up face down on the pavement.
> Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
> You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
> You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
> You put both contacts in one eye.