Hilarious! :) A guide to the trick or treating styles of various horoscopes…
Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
(more…)
From an email forward…An interesting description of the various signs in the zodiac, minus the threats of bad luck if not forwarded :)
VIRGO – The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.
(more…)
1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath..
9.  It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history. Spades – King David, Clubs – Alexander the Great, Hearts – Charlemagne, Diamonds – Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
1.   On a blanket from Taiwan – NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2.   On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists – REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3.   On a Taiwanese shampoo – USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4.   On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink- AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5.   On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6.   In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7.   On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8.   In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.
9.   On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10.  On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11.  On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
      DETAILS INSIDE.
12.  On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13.  On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) – DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14.  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –  PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15.  On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16.  On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17.  On a Japanese food processor – NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18.  On Sainsbury’s peanuts – WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
19.  On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20.  On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.
21.  On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22.  On some frozen dinners – SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23.  On a hotel provided shower cap in a box- FITS ONE HEAD.
24.  On packaging for a Rowenta iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25.  On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine -  DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26.  On Nytol sleep aid - WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
A man and a dog were going down the street. The man rode, yet walked. What was the dog’s name?
Yet.
A man had two sons and named them both Ed. How come?
Two Eds (heads) are better than one.
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).
Can you spell a composition with two letters?
SA (essay).
Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters?
QT (cutey).
Can you spell soft and slow with two letters?
EZ.
Can you spell very happy with three letters?
XTC (ecstasy).
Do moths cry?
Sure. Haven’t you ever seen a mothball (bawl) ?
How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has four legs (forelegs) in front and two behind.
How can you spell chilly with two letters?
IC (icy) .
History
When George Washington was elected President, there was a King in France, a Tsarina in Russia, an Emperor in China, and a Shogun in Japan.
A family of six died in Oregon during WWII as a result of a Japanese balloon bomb.
Roulette, an invention by the mathematician Blaise Pascal, was a by-product of his experiments with perpetual motion.
The dome on Monticello conceals a billiards room (billiards were illegal in Virginia).
Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past royalty. This custom has evolved into the modern military salute.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles turn right as they ascend. This was so that (right-handed) knights defending the castle could more easily combat invading foes who were climbing the stairs.
Dashing horses kicking up mud (among other things), splashing the passengers riding behind them, led to the invention of the dashboard, a term which survives today.
Firehouses have circular stairways because the engines were at a time pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor, and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.
Great Britain was the first county to issue postage stamps, so theirs are the only stamps in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin. (And the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher).
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned TV Channel 1 to mobile services, but did not re-number the other channel assignments.
Sputnik was launched on October 4, 1957, the same day that “Leave it to Beaver” debuted.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The US purchased Alaska from Russia for approximately 2 cents an acre.
Taft was the last President with facial hair.
The day after October 4, 1582 was October 15, 1582.
Robert E. Lee is the only person to date to have graduated from West Point military academy without a single demerit.
Names
The names of the three monkeys are Mizaru (see no evil), Kikazaru (hear no evil), and Iwazaru (speak no evil).
The ammunition belts in WWII aircraft were 27 feet long, reminiscent of the expression “the whole nine yards”.
University of Florida football team, the Gators, first tested Gatorade.
The Greek word “gymnasium” means “to exercise naked”. In Ancient Greece, gymnasts wore no clothes.
Dismas and Gestas were the two thieves crucified with Jesus.
The term “dodger” (from the Brooklyn Dodgers, now known as the Los Angeles Dodgers) was a shortened form of “trolley dodgers,” which described Brooklynites for their ability to avoid being hit by trolley cars.
The ghosts in Pac-Man are named Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.
Mr. Snuffleupagas’ first name was Alyoisus.
Thomas Crapper is credited with inventing the modern-day toilet, and Otto Titsling with inventing the brassiere. Major General Joseph Hooker allegedly paid prostitutes to accompany his soldiers in the Civil War.
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of owls is called a parliament.
A barmaid reportedly decorated her establishment with the tail feathers of cocks. One day a patron asked for “one of those cock tails.” She served him a drink with a feather in it.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The product’s full name is WD-40 Water Displacer, which was perfected on the fortieth attempt.
Tribeca stands for TRIangle BElow CAnal Street.
The two lions in front of the New York Public Library are currently named Patience and Fortitude.
The letter “J” does not yet appear anywhere within the periodic table of the elements.
Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street share the same names as Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in “Its A Wonderful Life”.
Words
The word “pound” is abbreviated “lb.” from the Latin “libra pondo”, meaning weight or balance, where the constellation got its name.
The word “checkmate” comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” meaning “the king is dead”.
“Alma mater” means “bountiful mother”.
“Admiral” is derived from the Arabic phrase “amir al bahr,” which means “lord of the sea”.
“Stewardesses”, “reverberated”, and “lollipop” are the longest words that can be typed using only one hand on a keyboard. “Skepticisms” is the longest word that alternates hands, while the longest word that can be typed using the top row only is “typewriter”.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable”.
“Bookkeeper” and “bookkeeping” are the only words in the English language with three consecutive double letters.
The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” (a lung disease) is the longest English word according to the Oxford English Dictionary.
“Beelzebub”, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for “Lord of the Flies”.
Geography
Mapmaking is older than writing.
At latitude 60 degrees south you can sail the entire way around the world.
If the earth were the size of a bowling ball, it would be just as smooth; the mountains on raised relief globes are greatly exaggerated.
Hawaii’s Mauna Kea is the largest mountain on Earth: although partially submerged, it is 4,000 feet taller than Mount Everest.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.
Alaska is the most northern, western and eastern US state.
Mozambique has an AK-47 assault rifle on its flag.
Pluto takes 248 Earth years to orbit the Sun. For 20 of those years, it is closer to the Sun than Neptune.
The Amazon River enters the Atlantic with so much volume that fresh water exists more than a hundred miles from the mouth of the river.
The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
Biology
The human brain stops growing at age 18, and is 80% water. Your skin weighs twice as much as your brain. The storage capacity of the human brain is about 4 terabytes (4,000 gigabytes).
A peanut is a legume, not nut.
Honey is the only food that cannot spoil.
Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A blue whale gains approximately 200 pounds a day for the first seven months of its life.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
An elephant can be pregnant for two years.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
All polar bears are left-handed.
The human body has 70,000 miles of blood vessels.
Fun Facts
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Congo is the world leader in cobalt mining, producing two-thirds of the world’s cobalt.
You expend more calories eating and digesting celery than there are in the celery itself.
Minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit equals minus 40 degrees Celsius.
Michael Jordan shaves his head on Tuesdays and Fridays.
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
Powdered non-dairy creamer is flammable (trust me on this).
Raindrops are not tear-drop shaped. They are rounded at the top and flat on the bottom.
Isaac Asimov is the only author to have written a book in all 10 Dewey-decimal categories.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to strengthen the structure of the bottle and to trap the sediments in the wine.
The tip of a whip moves so fast that it breaks the sound barrier. The “crack” of a whip is actually a tiny sonic boom.
Mr. (Fred) Rogers was an ordained minister.
In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts (AKA the suicide King) appears to be sticking his sword through his head.
The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight.
Starting with the number one, you would have to count to one thousand to use the letter “A”.
The Statue of Liberty’s tablet is two feet thick.
If done perfectly, any Rubik’s Cube combination can be solved in 17 turns.
> You find yourself interrupting computer store salesmen to correct something they say.
> You’ve named your computer.
> You have your local computer store on speed dial.
> You can’t carry on a conversation without talking about computers.
> Co-workers have to e-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building.
> You’ve ever found “stray” diskettes when doing laundry.
> Your computer has it’s own phone line – but your teenager doesn’t.
> You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window).
> You know more URLs than street addresses.
> Your pet has a web page.
> You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
> The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough ones.
> You have more than one copy of the same version of software on your machine.
> You have ever chatted with someone while talking to them on the phone.
> You are surprised that there are other real foods besides pizza.
> You have ever sent E-mail to someone sitting next to you.
> You have ever had a dream involving computers.
> You have ever modified an .ini file.
> You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth.
> You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
> You have ever e-mailed yourself.
> You get up at 3:00AM to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
> You’ve entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get e-mail saying “Forget it, Mike you are not going to win, just go buy the modem”.
> You know what the USR X2 contest is.
You know its going to be a bad day ahead when…
> You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don’t have a waterbed.
> You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
> You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
> Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
> You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any.
> You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
> Your twin sister or brother forgot your birthday.
> You wake up face down on the pavement.
> Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
> You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
> You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
> You put both contacts in one eye.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
“Go.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
1) That’s not right……………Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ..Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP………………..Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man…………………Dum Gai
5) Small Horse………………..Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?…….Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table…Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift…Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s very dark in here………Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone…….No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week…Wai YuKum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight………..Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile…Wa Shing Ka
15) Great……………………..Fu Kin Su Pah
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
* Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Well this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
* Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie
* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Damn, there go the lights again…
* Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
* What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
* What do you mean, he’s not insured?
* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
* I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
* Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
by Richard Lederer
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language
spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made
during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two
books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a
few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman’s two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America’s keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake,
tell them your first name!
*****************************************************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
****************************************************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*****************************************************************
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
*****************************************************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*****************************************************************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*****************************************************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
*****************************************************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*****************************************************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
*****************************************************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*****************************************************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
*****************************************************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*****************************************************************
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
*****************************************************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his
words.
*****************************************************************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can
identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
*****************************************************************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*****************************************************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information from your minds, if you have any.
*****************************************************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*****************************************************************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
*****************************************************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
*******************************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*****************************************************************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
*******************************
Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
*******************************
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that
sonofabitch- and she did!
*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty
drunk.
*******************************
Q: …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased,objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the
whole ordeal?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
************************************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they
know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
“It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say,
“That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVOURITE……
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you