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In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
You’re not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible ugly suit we’ve had so long!” “Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked. “That’s the one!” “That’s great!” the manager cried. “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had!

But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit his guide dog bit me.”

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to
hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist.

He says, “Doc, I can’t seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”

Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, “So, you’ve got your own company, huh? How lucky!” The other replied, “Just a small one, nothing to be proud of.”

Disbelieving, the first queried, “Small? How many people work in your company?”

The other sadly answered, “About half of them.”

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won’t do.

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK … “Damn”! A bad Skydiver goes: “Damn”! … WHACK.

18 UNNATURAL LAWS

Have you ever received a phone call the minute you stepped outside your door? Has the bus you were waiting for ever appeared from behind a parked truck the instant you light up a cigarette? Certain astute individuals have noticed that such events are not the exception but, rather, the rule. Men like Murphy, Peter and Parkinson have made it their life work to ferret out the operating principles – the laws that govern the frustrating lives that we mortals live. Here is a small sampling of these laws.

MURPHY’S LAW
If anything can go wrong, it will.

O’TOOL’S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY’S LAW
Murphy was an optimist.

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
As soon as you mention something ….
… if it’s good, it goes away
… if it’s bad, it happens.

NONRECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

HOWE’S LAW
Every man has a scheme that will not work.

ZYMURGY’S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

ETORRE’S OBSERVATION
The other line moves faster.

SKINNER’S CONSTANT (FLANAGAN’S FINAGLING FACTOR)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have got.

MURPHY’S LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

JENNING’S COROLLARY TO MURPHY’S LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

GORDON’S FIRST LAW
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

MAIER’S LAW
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

HOARE’S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

BOREN’S FIRST LAW
When in doubt, mumble.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

BARTH’S DISTINCTION
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t

SEGAL’S LAW
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

THE NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
The first 90 % of the task takes 90 % of the time, and the last 10 % takes the other 90 %

FARBER’S FOURTH LAW
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager thinks for a moment, then says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” line, but it’s a “no-brainer.” The woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line and explains her duties and tells her to come in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next morning at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in and starts ranting about the new woman on the line. After screaming for 15 to 20 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager says, “OK, show me the problem.” Together they headed down to the line and sure enough Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. The two managers watch as she cut a little piece of fabric, took 2 marbles and started to sew them between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager starts laughing uncontrollably. Finally, after 5 minutes of rolling around on the floor, he pulls himself together. He walks over to the new employee and says “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”