Archive for the 'Whatever' Category

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Whats that noise?

Published in Work related Jokes and Whatever. 0 Comments

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.

The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.” Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds,

“What’s that noise?”

Simply a mistake

Published in Men and Women and Whatever. 0 Comments

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin…
it’s simply a mistake.”

No Singing in the Bar

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A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

Scotch and two drops of water

Published in Men and Women and Whatever. 0 Comments

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

The bartender says “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her left says “I would like to buy you a drink too.” The old woman says “Thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, “I want to buy this lady one too. The old women says, “Thank you. Bartender, another scotch with two drops of water please.” “Comin’ up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”

Some popular sayings – or maybe not

Published in Lists, Real Life and Whatever. 0 Comments
  • As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.
  • Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.
  • Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.
  • You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?
  • Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.
  • A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math.
  • If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
  • The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.
  • An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.
  • Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution.
  • Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is………………………………….not much.
  • Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow
    your nose.
  • Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.
  • When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.

Just to be sure

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Two hunters are out in the woods. They’re walking along in the woods quietly then suddenly one hunter collapses and starts foaming at the mouth, his eyes roll back in his head. The other hunter rips out his emergency cell phone and calls 991. “Help! My friends dead, I think!” he said into the phone. “Ok, calm down, sir. First make sure he’s dead” The operator says to him. There’s a long silence then suddenly a gunshot rings out…”Ok, he’s dead, now what?”