Hilarious! :) A guide to the trick or treating styles of various horoscopes…
Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
(more…)
Some pretty funny animations… this is what computer geeks get upto when bored! Animated GIFs with a variety of hilarious, funny, cute and some downright wierd effects.
(more…)
Take a look at the picture? What do you see?
Research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such a scenario. Children see nine dolphins. This is a test to determine if you already have a corrupted mind. If it is hard for you to find the dolphins within six seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted :)
(more…)
The Revenue authority sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
(more…)
The rain just doesn’t seem to let up in Paris these days…so what do clever French marketers / designers come up with for the Woman who’s always in fashion? The High Tide Heels!! Absolutely Hilarious :)
From an email forward…An interesting description of the various signs in the zodiac, minus the threats of bad luck if not forwarded :)
VIRGO – The One that Waits
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.
(more…)
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
A man and a dog were going down the street. The man rode, yet walked. What was the dog’s name?
Yet.
A man had two sons and named them both Ed. How come?
Two Eds (heads) are better than one.
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).
Can you spell a composition with two letters?
SA (essay).
Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters?
QT (cutey).
Can you spell soft and slow with two letters?
EZ.
Can you spell very happy with three letters?
XTC (ecstasy).
Do moths cry?
Sure. Haven’t you ever seen a mothball (bawl) ?
How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has four legs (forelegs) in front and two behind.
How can you spell chilly with two letters?
IC (icy) .
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“Yes, I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin…
it’s simply a mistake.”
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”
The bartender says “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her left says “I would like to buy you a drink too.” The old woman says “Thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, “I want to buy this lady one too. The old women says, “Thank you. Bartender, another scotch with two drops of water please.” “Comin’ up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two hunters are out in the woods. They’re walking along in the woods quietly then suddenly one hunter collapses and starts foaming at the mouth, his eyes roll back in his head. The other hunter rips out his emergency cell phone and calls 991. “Help! My friends dead, I think!” he said into the phone. “Ok, calm down, sir. First make sure he’s dead” The operator says to him. There’s a long silence then suddenly a gunshot rings out…”Ok, he’s dead, now what?”
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever”
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. Theresearchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
– Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law”
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.”
– Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
– Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
– Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
– Former French President Charles De Gaulle
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
– A congressional candidate in Texas
“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
– John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
– Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
– General William Westmoreland
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line: “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”.)
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
–Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle