SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Virgin Airlines. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
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Archive for the ‘School and College’ Category
Blind Date
Thursday, June 15th, 2006“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed ! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”
Humans and Beans
Thursday, June 15th, 2006A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”..
“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
Professors Definitions of a KISS
Sunday, March 26th, 2006Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable.
Teachers Note
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006Joey’s teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, “Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls.”
The Mother wrote back the next day, “If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father.”
Going, going…gone
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, “Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars.”
He says, “Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?”
Which laboratory
Sunday, November 27th, 2005You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
Two’s company
Sunday, November 27th, 2005A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Test Mistakes
Sunday, November 27th, 2005A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire”
“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
Excuses, Excuses!
Sunday, November 27th, 2005The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system by parents of students:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
Boat Full
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005An elderly, tenured professor of philosophy at Stanford University always started every class with a vulgar joke. While the guys always enjoyed the comical break, many of the female students took the risque humor as a personal affront.
After one particularly obscene example, the women in the class decided to band together and walk out as a group the next time he started one of his bawdy jokes. The professor, getting wind of their plot to disrupt his daily repartee, decided to play into their hands. The very next morning he walked into the classroom and said,
“Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the terrible shortage of prostitutes in Iraq?” With that, all of the women stood up in a huff and headed straight for the door.
“Now wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
MIT Course Evaluation
Wednesday, November 16th, 20051. “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.â€
2. “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.â€
3. “In class, the syllabus is more important than you are.â€
4. “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!â€
5. “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.â€
6. “The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.â€
7. “His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shameâ€
8. “Textbook is confusing…someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.â€
9. “Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.â€
10. “This class was a religious experience for me…I had to take it all on faith.â€
11. “The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.â€
12. “Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.â€
13. “Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing–It’s a great stress reliever.â€
14. “He is one of the best teachers I have had…He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.â€
15. “I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.â€
16. “The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon.â€
17. “TA steadily improved throughout the course…I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.â€
18. “Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose–spraying in all directions–no way to stop it.â€
19. “I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem setsâ€
20. “What’s the quality of the text? ‘Text is printed on high quality paper.’
21. “The course was very thorough. What wasn’t covered in class was covered on the final exam.â€
Brotherly Love
Sunday, November 13th, 2005Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Pupil : Brotherly love!
Party of two?
Sunday, November 13th, 2005A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, “Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you.”
The college guy says, “Right on, thanks a lot man.” So the farmer says, “Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn’ going on.”
College guy “Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine.” Farmer “There is also going to be a lot of fightin’ so I hope you are ready.”
College guy “I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape.” Farmer says, “Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?”
College guy “Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?”
Farmer says, “I don’t care it’s just going to be me and you.”
Dire medical condition
Sunday, November 13th, 2005A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.
One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”
The Talking Clock
Sunday, November 13th, 2005While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?”
“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”
Sir Bates and family
Sunday, November 13th, 2005A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal’s office and introduces himself thus:
“I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates.”
“Oh does he?” asks the bemused principal, “we will soon get him out of that terrible habit.”