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A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

“NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

The Original Version: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was..

The New Versions:

Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.

Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…

Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free… *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.

HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each of the women a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married…..The one with the largest breasts.

Every night after dinner, Harry tok off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.

The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss?

Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

A man is a person who – if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.”- lets her.
A woman is a person who – if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.” and he lets her – gets mad.
A man is a person who – if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad – says, “Now what are you mad about?”
A woman is a person who – if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” – says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you!”

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

“What’s the problem?”

“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man.

“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property; you don’t own her!”

“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!