Best of the web- Best jokes on the net

We came across these very funny, cheeky beer ads.

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Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. They were famous in the city for not having a single conflict in all of their 25 years of married life. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy marriage”.

Editor: “Sir. It’s amazing. How did you make this possible?”

The husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Shimla after our marriage. Having chosen to go horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, her horse jumped suddenly, toppling my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time too she kept her calm and said “This is your second time” and continued. When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”

Husband: “That’s it. We have been happy ever since. “

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down! Finally, the guys’ side of the story ( I must admit, it’s pretty good) We always hear ‘ the rules ‘ from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side:

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
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The best way of dealing with a nosy neighbor, compliments of Edward Scissorhands:

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Hilarious! :) A guide to the trick or treating styles of various horoscopes…

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
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The rain just doesn’t seem to let up in Paris these days…so what do clever French marketers / designers come up with for the Woman who’s always in fashion? The High Tide Heels!! Absolutely Hilarious :)

An Air Canada cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
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A little boy goes to his father and asks: “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I setup a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got a Male!

The latest submission comes from a reader…15 examples of T-shirts that guys wear :) Some really funny and smartass ones among the collection.

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• ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
• LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

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• A man is a person who - if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.”- lets her. 
• A woman is a person who - if she says to a man, ”Never mind, I’ll do it myself.” and he lets her - gets mad. 
• A man is a person who - if a woman says to him,”Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad - says,”Now what are you mad about?” 
• A woman is a person who - if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, ”Now what are you mad about?” - says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you!”

When a woman decided to have her portrait painted she told the artist, “Please paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed ! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What ’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”

Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable.