Archive for the 'Grown up Jokes' Category

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Pains of Courtship

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

Good Girl, Bad Girl

Good girls say “thanks for a wonderful dinner”…
Bad girls say, “what’s for breakfast?”

Good girls never go after another girl’s man…
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties…
Bad girls don’t wear any.

Good girls wax their floors…
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot…
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner…
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…
Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.

Good girls believe you’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food…
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Senior’s Sex Guide

· Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
· Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
· Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
· Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
· Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
· Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
· Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
· Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
· If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice.

Impotence Slang

· 180 degrees shy of heaven
· Performing with Flacido Domingo
· A few parts shy of an erector set
· Sch-wing and a miss
· Not rising to the level of impeachable offence
· The Null Monte
· Disappointing Miss Daisy
· Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
· Ascension Deficit Disorder
· Bouncing the Check of Love
· Less-than-Magic Johnson
· All Doled up with nowhere to go
· Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
· Serving boneless pork
· Unleavened Man-Bread

The art of growing good tomatoes

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment.”

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and procedded to expose yourself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. “So,” he asked, “Any luck with you tomatoes?” “No,” she replied excitedly. . .

“But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!”

The BEST cure for migraines

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”