Best of the web- Best jokes on the net

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

“Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came”.

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You bastard!!!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?”

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

“Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this was cute.

“Well,” said Little Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us.”

“And how will you live?”

“I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough.”

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along?”

“Well,” said Little Johnny, “we’ve been lucky so far.”

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked “What’s wrong?” The old man replied “I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner.”

The young man had a strange look on his face and asked “What’s so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life.”

The old man replied “I can’t remember where I live!”

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

“Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?” God asked.

“I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it. A regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I’m afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.

“Hmmm,” God said thoughtfully, “do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?”

“I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity.” Replied St. Peter.

“That is an effective solution,” God stated, “but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of these good people.”

And so they did.

Do you know what the letter said?

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No?

(scroll down a little more)

Hmmm…

You didn’t get the letter either, huh??

It is two o’clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says “How the heck do I know – what am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.

“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have sex with you.” he says.

“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.”

She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.”

The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”

With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How did you die?” says the second.

“I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it.

After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, “So is that how the other men do it?”

One of the men responded, “No we usually just use the camel to ride into town.”

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.

“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”