We came across these very funny, cheeky beer ads.
Archive for the ‘Grown up Jokes’ Category
Funny Beer Ads
Thursday, June 25th, 2009Naughty, naugthy, naughty! Some funny (and of course naughty) photos
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008The best way of dealing with a nosy neighbor, compliments of Edward Scissorhands:
The birds and bees in a cyber world…so just HOW are children born?
Friday, June 22nd, 2007A little boy goes to his father and asks: “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I setup a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got a Male!
The Layman’s Guide to Dating & Relationship Lingo
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006- ATTRACTION:Â The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
- LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
- DATING:Â The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
- BIRTH CONTROL:Â Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
Pains of Courtship
Thursday, June 15th, 2006BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
Good Girl, Bad Girl
Saturday, February 11th, 2006Good girls say “thanks for a wonderful dinner”…
Bad girls say, “what’s for breakfast?”
Good girls never go after another girl’s man…
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties…
Bad girls don’t wear any.
Good girls wax their floors…
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot…
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner…
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…
Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.
Good girls believe you’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food…
Bad girls love Italian waiters.
Senior’s Sex Guide
Saturday, February 11th, 2006· Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
· Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
· Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
· Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
· Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
· Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
· Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
· Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
· If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice.
Impotence Slang
Saturday, February 11th, 2006· 180 degrees shy of heaven
· Performing with Flacido Domingo
· A few parts shy of an erector set
· Sch-wing and a miss
· Not rising to the level of impeachable offence
· The Null Monte
· Disappointing Miss Daisy
· Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
· Ascension Deficit Disorder
· Bouncing the Check of Love
· Less-than-Magic Johnson
· All Doled up with nowhere to go
· Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
· Serving boneless pork
· Unleavened Man-Bread
The art of growing good tomatoes
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment.”
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and procedded to expose yourself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. “So,” he asked, “Any luck with you tomatoes?” “No,” she replied excitedly. . .
“But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!”
The BEST cure for migraines
Sunday, January 15th, 2006A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”
Who’s screwed now?
Sunday, January 15th, 2006Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. “Women, they think they’re so smart,” he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he’d eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best friend. “Amy,” she said, “Bill doesn’t know it yet, but the only time I’m putting out is when I want to get pregnant.”
At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with some consternation, “I’d be mad as a hatter! Why aren’t you?” he asked.
“Why get mad?” answered Bill. “She’ll never know I’ve had a vasectomy!”
Wish come true
Sunday, November 27th, 2005Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom’s room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, “Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!”
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, “Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
He’s at home
Sunday, November 27th, 2005A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
“Sure!” she says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids …”
Alice Kapipelean
Sunday, November 13th, 2005One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said “Closed for Remodeling”. One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, “What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!”
The one nun said, “Well, we’re dead and we can’t go back.” “Alright,” said St. Peter. “What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we’ll accept you back into Heaven,” exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.
“Okay, who do you want to be?” he asks the nun. “Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc.” Poof!
The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. “Okay, You’re next,” as her looks at the second nun, “Who do you want to be?” “! ! Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe,” pronounces the second nun. Poof!
The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. “Okay, who do you want to be?” St. Peter says to the third nun. “I want to be Alice Kapipelean.” “Excuse me?!?” confusingly asks St. Peter. “I want to be Alice Kapipelean!” exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, “Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth,” explains St. Peter.
“There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!” shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and reads it. “Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months.”
The refrigerator
Sunday, November 13th, 2005Three men died and went to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said, “Due to over population, I can only let one of you in. Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven.”
The first guy began his story: “I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decide to go home at lunch time and check things out. When I got home my wife was sitting on the couch naked. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn’t find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn’t wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn’t dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man’s story: “I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died.”
The third story: “Well, I was in this refrigerator minding my own business….
No swimming allowed
Sunday, November 13th, 2005An American tourist in India walked into a beautiful deserted forest and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed and just as she was about to dive in, the gardner appeared from behind the bushes where he was hiding all along and said, ‘Madam! Swimming not allowed!’
‘You could have told me that before I took off my clothes!’, the American woman scolded him.
The gardener replied, ‘Madam, only swimming not allowed, taking off clothes allowed!
Period
Sunday, November 13th, 2005The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
Kick the cat
Sunday, November 13th, 2005There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. “What’s the deal?” he asks.
His mom says ” You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you.” Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy says “Do you want me to tell him or will you?”