An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. “How’re you doing?” asks the doctor. “Pretty good,” answers the old man. “I’m eating well, and I’m still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.”
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man’s wife. “How’re you feeling?” he asks. “I’m doing well,” answers the old woman. “I still have lots of energy and I’m not feeliing any pain.” The doctor says, “That’s nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though – your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?” “Oh No,” says the woman, “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again.”
An 80-year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”
“My point, exactly.”
A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
He said, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy went to a doctor with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered:
“I was ironing my shirt and the phone-rang. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the Iron and stuck it to my ear”.
The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear ?”.
The guy replied “The son of a called again!”
One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says.
“Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says,
“That’s still too expensive!” “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.” “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied. “Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”