Best of the web- Best jokes on the net

1. “This should be taken care of right away.”

“I’ve planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.”

2. “Wellll, what have we here….?”

Since he hasn’t the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

3. “We’ll see.”

“First I have to check my malpractice insurance.”

4. “Let me check your medical history.”

“I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before I spend anymore time with you.”

5. “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”

“I’m playing golf this afternoon, then I’ve got a date.”
- OR –
“I need the money, so I’m charging you for another office visit.”

6. “I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”

“I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.”

7. “Hmmmmmmmm.”

Since he hasn’t the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists also say this a lot.)

8. “We have some good news and some bad news.”

The good news is he’s going to buy that new BMW; the bad news is you’re going to pay for it.

9. “Let’s see how it develops.”

“Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.”

10. “Let me schedule you for some tests.”

“I have a 40% interest in the lab.”

11. “I’d like to have my associate look at you.”

“He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.”

12. “How are we today?”

“I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap.”

13. “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”

“I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.”

14. “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”

“I don’t know what it is, maybe it will go away by itself.”

15. “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

16. “This may smart a little.”

“Last week, two patients bit through their tongues.”

17. “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”

“I can’t remember your name, nor why you are here.”

18. “This should fix you up.”

“The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.”

19. “Everything seems to be normal.”

“I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.”

20. “I’d like to run some more tests.”

“I can’t figure out what’s wrong, maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.”

21. “Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”

He thinks your crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.

22. “Why don’t you slip out of your things.”

“I don’t enjoy this any more than you do, but I’ve got to warm my fingers up somehow.”
- OR –
“I haven’t had a good laugh all day.”

23. “If these symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”

“I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.”

24. “There’s a lot of that going around.”

“My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.”

An 80-year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible!” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”

“My point, exactly.”

A guy went to a doctor with 2 red ears.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered:

“I was ironing my shirt and the phone-rang. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the Iron and stuck it to my ear”.

The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear ?”.

The guy replied “The son of a called again!”

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says.

“Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says,

“That’s still too expensive!” “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.” “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Dave, you’re a vet…”

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice!”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts – although still silent – stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…”

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?” “Oh no”, I replied, “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I said, “No, I’ve heard that all “red meat” is very unhealthy!” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” he asked. “No I don’t,” I said. He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?”, “No,” I said, “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??”