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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks.

“Boy,” is the man’s response.

“Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there”, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.”

The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”

The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”

There were three little pigs that went out to dinner together one night. When the waiter came to take their drink order… the first little pig said “I would like a Sprite.” “I would like a Coke.” said the second little piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.

The waiter brings their drinks and then takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak.” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approachs the table and asks if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split.” said the first piggy. “I would like a root beer float.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have the other pigs ordered dinner and dessert and you only ordered water?”

“Well,” the third little piggy answered “Somebody has to go WEE…WEE…WEE… all the way home!”

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. “Mother Mole!” He called back down the hole. “Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!” The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. “That’s not honey, that’s maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!” The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses …”

A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”

“No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”