Only funny jokes is home to the best jokes on the web, funny photos, funny stories, funny pictures and the best funny jokes anywhere
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”
God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”
Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”
Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”
And God said, “In a minute.”
A reporter walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She said to him, “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
He answered, “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never ever exercise.”
“Wow, That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Twenty-Six,” he replied.
When a woman decided to have her portrait painted she told the artist, “Please paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
A wise old man retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
Â
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
Â
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.   Â
Â
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”Â
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and they continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.Â
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”   Â
Â
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.