Archive for March, 2006

Tricky Riddles

Sunday, March 26th, 2006

A man and a dog were going down the street. The man rode, yet walked. What was the dog’s name?
Yet.

A man had two sons and named them both Ed. How come?
Two Eds (heads) are better than one.

At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).

Can you spell a composition with two letters?
SA (essay).

Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters?
QT (cutey).

Can you spell soft and slow with two letters?
EZ.

Can you spell very happy with three letters?
XTC (ecstasy).

Do moths cry?
Sure. Haven’t you ever seen a mothball (bawl) ?

How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has four legs (forelegs) in front and two behind.

How can you spell chilly with two letters?
IC (icy) .

Posted in Lists, Whatever | 1 Comment »

Jacks Telephone Number

Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

Operator: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand.

Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?

Posted in Computers and Technology, Real Life, Whatever | No Comments »

Professors Definitions of a KISS

Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable.

Posted in Men and Women, School and College | No Comments »

The Gorilla Removal Service

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks.

“Boy,” is the man’s response.

“Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there”, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.”

The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”

The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”

Posted in Animals and Pets | No Comments »

The difference between Optimists and Pessimists

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“Yes, I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

Posted in Real Life, Whatever | No Comments »

Work vs Prison

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006

In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
You’re not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers

Posted in Work related Jokes | No Comments »