Monthly Archive for February, 2006

Someone save Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Sunday dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.

The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”.

Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits all over you!”

Good Girl, Bad Girl

Good girls say “thanks for a wonderful dinner”…
Bad girls say, “what’s for breakfast?”

Good girls never go after another girl’s man…
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties…
Bad girls don’t wear any.

Good girls wax their floors…
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot…
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner…
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…
Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.

Good girls believe you’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food…
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Marketing gone bad

It’s always good to check into the meaning of your slogans and brands before you start selling in foreign countries, as these companies learned a bit too late…

· The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”

· Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea”.

· Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux”.

· Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.

· When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside,
since many people can’t read.

· Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

· An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

· Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”.

· When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.

Senior’s Sex Guide

· Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
· Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
· Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
· Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
· Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
· Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
· Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
· Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
· If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice.

Impotence Slang

· 180 degrees shy of heaven
· Performing with Flacido Domingo
· A few parts shy of an erector set
· Sch-wing and a miss
· Not rising to the level of impeachable offence
· The Null Monte
· Disappointing Miss Daisy
· Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
· Ascension Deficit Disorder
· Bouncing the Check of Love
· Less-than-Magic Johnson
· All Doled up with nowhere to go
· Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
· Serving boneless pork
· Unleavened Man-Bread

The art of growing good tomatoes

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment.”

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and procedded to expose yourself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. “So,” he asked, “Any luck with you tomatoes?” “No,” she replied excitedly. . .

“But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!”