How lazy can you get?
Archive for January, 2006
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Sunday, January 15th, 2006Simply a mistake
Sunday, January 15th, 2006The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin…
it’s simply a mistake.”
The BEST cure for migraines
Sunday, January 15th, 2006A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”
No Singing in the Bar
Sunday, January 15th, 2006A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Who’s screwed now?
Sunday, January 15th, 2006Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. “Women, they think they’re so smart,” he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he’d eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best friend. “Amy,” she said, “Bill doesn’t know it yet, but the only time I’m putting out is when I want to get pregnant.”
At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with some consternation, “I’d be mad as a hatter! Why aren’t you?” he asked.
“Why get mad?” answered Bill. “She’ll never know I’ve had a vasectomy!”
Best One Liners on the Web
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006- 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip. - A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- All generalizations are false, including this one.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- Assassins do it from behind.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
- Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
- Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
- Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
- Death is hereditary.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
- Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
- Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
- Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
- Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
- Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
- Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you’re told.
- Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Honk if you want to see my finger.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- How does Teflon stick to the pan?
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
- I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
- I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
- If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
- If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
- Keep honking. I’m reloading.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- Montana: At least our cows are sane!
- More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
- Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
- My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
- My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
- Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
- Remember half the people you know are below average.
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set
- Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date!
- Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
- The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There’s no future in time travel.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
- Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
- We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
- What’s the speed of dark?
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
- When there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- Who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
- You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
- You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
- Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
The value of Charm School
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.
On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”
Never too old
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”
The 80-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor couldn’t believe it! So he said, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
The 80-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?”
“Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time.”
The doctor said, “After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?”
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
Mailing List
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006Those irritating mailing lists again!
Educating the Natives
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, “this is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “tree.”
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “this is a rock.”
At which the chief looks and grunts, “rock.”
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly
responds, “riding a bicycle.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so… how could he kill these people??
The chief calmly replied, “Him riding MY bicycle.”
Why does he wear Black
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006Eight-year-old Amanda sat quietly in church at her mother’s side. It was the first wedding Amanda had ever attended.
She leaned toward her mother and whispered,”Why is the bride dressed in white?”
Wishing to keep it simple, her mother explained, “White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life,”
Amanda nodded and asked, “Why is the groom wearing black?”
Teachers Note
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006Joey’s teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, “Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls.”
The Mother wrote back the next day, “If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father.”
Who could it possibly be
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup and when she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said that he was pleased and that she is in great shape, and happily announced that she was also one month pregnant. She told the doctor that there was no way she could be pregnant, but the doctor insisted.
Hillary stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist and asked to call the White House. When the operator answered, she explained that it was Hillary and that she needed to talk with Bill right away.
The operator rang the oval office, Bill answered and Hillary said, “I can’t believe it! I’m pregnant! You got me pregnant!”
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, “I am pregnant! You got me pregnant!”
Finally Bill answered, “Who is this?”
Sour Confession
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
“NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
Windows XP Activation
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006Q: Gave my son my machine and bought a different machine. I want to install Windows XP onto it. Anyway of getting around the activation? Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
A: *sigh*. I thought everyone knew about the magic cabbage. Never mind, here goes.
It appears that the engineers built in a keyboard escape sequence that can be used to bypass the activation requestor. As long as you’re not a complete dope, you can probably do it.
You have to do this three times, rebooting the box each time as soon as the activation requestor appears:
Hold down CTRL and ALT Press the M-E-T-U-R-N-I-P keys in order Shutdown & Reboot
The third time the machine boots, you will be greeted with a list of vegetables. If you don’t see the list of vegetables, then you’ve made a mistake. Power off the machine and try again.
Click on the talking _cabbage_ icon. You’ll see lots of other talking vegetable icons BUT DON’T CLICK ON ANY OF THEM, especially the MUSHROOM!! (*sheesh*, I won’t try _that_ one again!)
Click the cabbage and a popup shows with a picture of an animated cabbage. It says “Hi, I’m the magic cabbage! I can make lots of things out of cabbage.
What would you like me to make today?” It actually talks to you in this silly voice and if you sit and watch, the vegetables in the background pick up musical instruments and start playing them! It’s completely nuts! The piano playing mushrooms are good though.
Anyway. Click on “Make me some soup.” Don’t click anything else, especially the “Make me a mashed xxx” options.
The cabbage will say, “Okay, what kind of soup?” in a stupid squeaky voice.
Now here’s the tricky bit. Click on the “Make me a soup out of the following ingredients” You must now select the vegetables in the correct order to make your soup (actually an activation key):
A bowl will appear into which you must drag a number of vegetables.
Ignore the cabbage whilst you do this (it dances around the screen urging you to pick tomatos and turnips. It says stupid stuff like “Wouldn’t you like a leek with that?” Or “A potato would go well with those ingredients,
wouldn’t it?” Just IGNORE IT!!”)
Drag the following vegetables into the bowl:
2 tomatos
1 Parsely
5 green beans
Then click the magic cabbage. The screen will go black and then the magic cabbage will fade into view with a little chef’s hat on and it will say “Would monsieur like anything to go with ‘eez soup?” in a stoopid french
accent and it will *wink* at you. Click “Oui” and select “Une Activation Key Pour Moi!”
The screen will go black *again*. And the magic cabbage will fade into view this time wearing a Zorro mask and it says. “Eh Amigo, if joo believe in thee majeek cabbage, then joo is loco. Thee majeek cabbage ees jus a meeth.” in a stupid mexican accent. Don’t worry about it, just click on the cabbage’s mask and the activation instructions will be displayed.
Oh BTW let us know if you see the magic turnip. Someone says they found it one day and it offered to burn a CDROM for them.