How lazy can you get?

How lazy can you get?

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin…
it’s simply a mistake.”
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. “Women, they think they’re so smart,” he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he’d eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best friend. “Amy,” she said, “Bill doesn’t know it yet, but the only time I’m putting out is when I want to get pregnant.”
At this, Bill doubled over with laughter, and Mike looked at his friend with some consternation, “I’d be mad as a hatter! Why aren’t you?” he asked.
“Why get mad?” answered Bill. “She’ll never know I’ve had a vasectomy!”
A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.
On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”
An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”
The 80-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor couldn’t believe it! So he said, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
The 80-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?”
“Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time.”
The doctor said, “After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?”
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
Those irritating mailing lists again!

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, “this is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “tree.”
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “this is a rock.”
At which the chief looks and grunts, “rock.”
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly
responds, “riding a bicycle.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so… how could he kill these people??
The chief calmly replied, “Him riding MY bicycle.”
Eight-year-old Amanda sat quietly in church at her mother’s side. It was the first wedding Amanda had ever attended.
She leaned toward her mother and whispered,”Why is the bride dressed in white?”
Wishing to keep it simple, her mother explained, “White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life,”
Amanda nodded and asked, “Why is the groom wearing black?”
Joey’s teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, “Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls.”
The Mother wrote back the next day, “If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father.”
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup and when she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said that he was pleased and that she is in great shape, and happily announced that she was also one month pregnant. She told the doctor that there was no way she could be pregnant, but the doctor insisted.
Hillary stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist and asked to call the White House. When the operator answered, she explained that it was Hillary and that she needed to talk with Bill right away.
The operator rang the oval office, Bill answered and Hillary said, “I can’t believe it! I’m pregnant! You got me pregnant!”
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, “I am pregnant! You got me pregnant!”
Finally Bill answered, “Who is this?”
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
“NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
Q: Gave my son my machine and bought a different machine. I want to install Windows XP onto it. Anyway of getting around the activation? Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
A: *sigh*. I thought everyone knew about the magic cabbage. Never mind, here goes.
It appears that the engineers built in a keyboard escape sequence that can be used to bypass the activation requestor. As long as you’re not a complete dope, you can probably do it.
You have to do this three times, rebooting the box each time as soon as the activation requestor appears:
Hold down CTRL and ALT Press the M-E-T-U-R-N-I-P keys in order Shutdown & Reboot
The third time the machine boots, you will be greeted with a list of vegetables. If you don’t see the list of vegetables, then you’ve made a mistake. Power off the machine and try again.
Click on the talking _cabbage_ icon. You’ll see lots of other talking vegetable icons BUT DON’T CLICK ON ANY OF THEM, especially the MUSHROOM!! (*sheesh*, I won’t try _that_ one again!)
Click the cabbage and a popup shows with a picture of an animated cabbage. It says “Hi, I’m the magic cabbage! I can make lots of things out of cabbage.
What would you like me to make today?” It actually talks to you in this silly voice and if you sit and watch, the vegetables in the background pick up musical instruments and start playing them! It’s completely nuts! The piano playing mushrooms are good though.
Anyway. Click on “Make me some soup.” Don’t click anything else, especially the “Make me a mashed xxx” options.
The cabbage will say, “Okay, what kind of soup?” in a stupid squeaky voice.
Now here’s the tricky bit. Click on the “Make me a soup out of the following ingredients” You must now select the vegetables in the correct order to make your soup (actually an activation key):
A bowl will appear into which you must drag a number of vegetables.
Ignore the cabbage whilst you do this (it dances around the screen urging you to pick tomatos and turnips. It says stupid stuff like “Wouldn’t you like a leek with that?” Or “A potato would go well with those ingredients,
wouldn’t it?” Just IGNORE IT!!”)
Drag the following vegetables into the bowl:
2 tomatos
1 Parsely
5 green beans
Then click the magic cabbage. The screen will go black and then the magic cabbage will fade into view with a little chef’s hat on and it will say “Would monsieur like anything to go with ‘eez soup?” in a stoopid french
accent and it will *wink* at you. Click “Oui” and select “Une Activation Key Pour Moi!”
The screen will go black *again*. And the magic cabbage will fade into view this time wearing a Zorro mask and it says. “Eh Amigo, if joo believe in thee majeek cabbage, then joo is loco. Thee majeek cabbage ees jus a meeth.” in a stupid mexican accent. Don’t worry about it, just click on the cabbage’s mask and the activation instructions will be displayed.
Oh BTW let us know if you see the magic turnip. Someone says they found it one day and it offered to burn a CDROM for them.