Monthly Archive for December, 2005

Page 2 of 5

If You Love Somebody. . .

Published in Men and Women. 0 Comments

The Original Version: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was..

The New Versions:

Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.

Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…

Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free… *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.

HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

How men choose a wife

Published in Men and Women. 0 Comments

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each of the women a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married…..The one with the largest breasts.

Dirty Harry

Published in Men and Women. 0 Comments

Every night after dinner, Harry tok off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.

The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss?

Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

Strange Lawyer

Published in Work related Jokes and News Law and Politics. 1 Comment

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

“That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, ‘THAT’S STRANGE!”

Three little pigs

Published in Animals and Pets. 0 Comments

There were three little pigs that went out to dinner together one night. When the waiter came to take their drink order… the first little pig said “I would like a Sprite.” “I would like a Coke.” said the second little piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.

The waiter brings their drinks and then takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak.” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approachs the table and asks if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split.” said the first piggy. “I would like a root beer float.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have the other pigs ordered dinner and dessert and you only ordered water?”

“Well,” the third little piggy answered “Somebody has to go WEE…WEE…WEE… all the way home!”

Scotch and two drops of water

Published in Men and Women and Whatever. 0 Comments

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

The bartender says “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her left says “I would like to buy you a drink too.” The old woman says “Thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, “I want to buy this lady one too. The old women says, “Thank you. Bartender, another scotch with two drops of water please.” “Comin’ up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”