Wishing all site visitors and members a Merry Christmas and a Happy, fulfilling and prosperous New Year to come. May 2006 bring many more laughs with it!
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JJ
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Archive for December, 2005
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 25th, 2005For help press F1
Sunday, December 25th, 2005For Help, press F1!
Size of the Earth vs Other Planets
Sunday, December 25th, 2005Ever wondered how big (or small) the Earth really is? Below is a comparison of the planet Earth as stacked up against the other planets in our galaxy..and the sun.
Funeral Procession for the dead snowman
Sunday, December 25th, 2005A funeral procession marches solemnly on.. mourning the loss of a beloved snowman!
You know you’re getting older when
Thursday, December 22nd, 2005- Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like the night before, and yo9u haven’t been anywhere.
- Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You finally reach the top of the ladder,and you find it leaning against
the wrong wall. - You join a health club and don’t go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm
- You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
- A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
- Your favourite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."
- You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
- Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
- You regret all those temptations you resisted.
- You’re 17 around the neck and 44 around the waist, and 105 around the golf
course. - You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying
a second coat. - Dialing long distance wears you out.
- You are startled the first time someone’s calls you Old-timer.
- You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
- You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.
- The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
- You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
- Your back goes out more often than you do.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl
walk by. - The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
- You get all your exercise being a pallbearer for your friends who
exercise. - You’ve got too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet. - You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
If You Love Somebody. . .
Thursday, December 22nd, 2005The Original Version: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was..
The New Versions:
Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.
Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…
Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free… *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…
Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.
Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.
HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.
Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.
Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.
How men choose a wife
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each of the women a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married…..The one with the largest breasts.
Dirty Harry
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005Every night after dinner, Harry tok off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.
The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss?
Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
Three little pigs
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005There were three little pigs that went out to dinner together one night. When the waiter came to take their drink order… the first little pig said “I would like a Sprite.” “I would like a Coke.” said the second little piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.
The waiter brings their drinks and then takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak.” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approachs the table and asks if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split.” said the first piggy. “I would like a root beer float.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have the other pigs ordered dinner and dessert and you only ordered water?”
“Well,” the third little piggy answered “Somebody has to go WEE…WEE…WEE… all the way home!”
Scotch and two drops of water
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”
The bartender says “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her left says “I would like to buy you a drink too.” The old woman says “Thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, “I want to buy this lady one too. The old women says, “Thank you. Bartender, another scotch with two drops of water please.” “Comin’ up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Men and women are people who
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005A man is a person who – if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.”- lets her.
A woman is a person who – if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself.” and he lets her – gets mad.
A man is a person who – if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad – says, “Now what are you mad about?”
A woman is a person who – if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” – says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you!”
Some popular sayings – or maybe not
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005- As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.
- Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.
- It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.
- You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?
- Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.
- You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
- The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.
- An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.
- Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution.
- Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is………………………………….not much.
- Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow
your nose. - Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.
Breach of contract
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
“What’s the problem?”
“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man.
“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property; you don’t own her!”
“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!
Just to be sure
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005Two hunters are out in the woods. They’re walking along in the woods quietly then suddenly one hunter collapses and starts foaming at the mouth, his eyes roll back in his head. The other hunter rips out his emergency cell phone and calls 991. “Help! My friends dead, I think!” he said into the phone. “Ok, calm down, sir. First make sure he’s dead” The operator says to him. There’s a long silence then suddenly a gunshot rings out…”Ok, he’s dead, now what?”
Yet another collection of funny and cute photos
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
It all depends on the way you look at things
Sunday, December 11th, 2005“One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be.
They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”
“Very good Dad!”
“Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked.
“Yeah!”
“And what did you learn?”
The son answered, “I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars.
Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon.”
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His son added, “Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!”
Isn’t it true that it all depends on the way you look at things?
If you have love, friends, family, health, good humor and a positive attitude towards life — you’ve got everything!
You can’t buy any of these things, but still you can have all the material possessions you can imagine, provisions for the future, etc., but if you are poor of spirit, you have nothing!