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A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”
She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.
He says “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He goes, “Jeez…oooh….I…”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
It seems true that our pets DO represent our personality, as
illustrated by these dogs and their owners. Notice the resemblance? :)
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest in here?”
The toughest guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!”
The other guy politely asks “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”
Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, “Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!”