- Be kind to your dentist – even a dentist has fillings.
- Two wrongs can make a riot.
- Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
- I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
- Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
- Sign on a clothing store – Come inside and have a fit.
- Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.
- Statisticians say "mean" things.
- A princess gets her education one knight at a time.
- The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
- Don’t put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.
- What did one bee say to her neighbor? Mind your own bee’s nest.
- I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have
paid for me. - "The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon?" "Oh, the horse
will draw that." - I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me
’son.’ I said, ‘Why do you call me ’son’? You’re not my father.’ He said, ‘I
brought you up, didn’t I?’ - I spent a lot of my money on booze, babes and fast cars….The rest, I
just squandered. - When a guy says that he likes a woman’s sense of humor, he ISN’T talking
about her jokes. He’s talking about appreciating his! - We’re a fastidious couple… I’m fast…. She’s tedious.
- If you want a pretty nurse, you’ve got to be patient.
- How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the
other. - The more things change, the more they stay insane.
- Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it’s enough
to scareosol to death. - Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!
- I just need enough to tide me over until I need more!
- Wrestlers don’t like to be put on hold.
- My check bounced because of insignificant funds.
- Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it
said he got it for a song. - I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how
I lost my mind. - A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge!
- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
- "I needn’t have been cloned," said Dolly sheepishly, "my family used to do
exactly what I did anyway !" - It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians.
He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It
seems his telegram read, " How about a Czech mate?"
Archive for November, 2005
One line Pun!
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005Twenty years in solitary
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
Going, going…gone
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, “Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars.”
He says, “Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?”
Sock breath
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy’s in the bathrom.
As Jimmy’s getting undressed he says to himself, “How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet?” Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath? I’ve got to tell him.”
Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something.” Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks.”
Corn and Adultery
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck.
For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what’s in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, “I’ve got to know what’s in the trunk!”
She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there’s two ears of corn and $25,000.
The guy says, “What’s with the two ears of corn?”
She says, “Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk.”
The guy figures, “Twice in fifty years, not so bad…” Then he says, “And what’s the $25,000?”
She says, “Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it.”
Chocolate peanuts
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”
She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”
Father’s ashes
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.
He says “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He goes, “Jeez…oooh….I…”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
Dogs and their owners
Sunday, November 27th, 2005It seems true that our pets DO represent our personality, as
illustrated by these dogs and their owners. Notice the resemblance? :)
Tough guy
Sunday, November 27th, 2005A guy walks into a bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest in here?”
The toughest guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!”
The other guy politely asks “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”
He who is without sin…
Sunday, November 27th, 2005Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, “Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!”
Cost of Marriage
Sunday, November 27th, 2005“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”
Unfaithful Adam
Sunday, November 27th, 2005Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”